I Stopped Knowing What I Liked

I had started journaling and am working on creating habits that help me understand more about myself. I had set an intention to do something nice for myself every day. I started attempting to make ME a priority and not put myself on the back burner, but it is so easy to fall into that place where I commit to doing something for myself after the house is clean, after I’ve entertained the kids, after I cooked lunch and dinner, but by then I am  just too tired for anything else.

I can’t tell you how many times I have planned to work out, get a manicure, or read a book, but I never get to it because I am putting other tasks first. When I do find the time to do something for myself, I am overwhelmed with decisions; I don’t want to waste my precious time or money making the wrong choice.

I often won’t buy myself the jacket or top that I really want because I don’t want to spend that kind of money on myself, but I will spend $50.00 on a new toy for my daughter that she might play with for a day. Or I don’t feel like I should spend my personal time window shopping at the mall because I have mentally taught myself that I have to be productive ALL OF THE TIME.

So, what makes me feel good? It seems obvious to start here when I’m are looking for happiness, but how often do I really think about the things I actually like for myself? Everything is always about meeting in the middle or a compromise for the family. I can’t turn the voice on in my head that says, “This is what I like.” I think it might be because I don’t know that voice. I don’t know if I’ve ever used that voice.

I know that I am always worried about making my kids and husband happy, and at the end of the day, there is often nothing left for me. Or I’ve been a caretaker for so long that I don’t really know what makes me feel good. Do I actually like watching murder dramas or have my husband and I just compromised on this genre as something we both can tolerate? Do I enjoy going to Barnes and Noble and getting a coffee or is that just something that I think sounds like a good idea?

Something I started to think about after reading Buy Yourself the F*cking Lillies…What do I like about myself? What really make me happy? I was kind of sad that I really didn’t have an answer to what seemed like a couple of pretty simple questions. This is where the journal can come in handy.

I Really thought about this.

• How nice am I to myself?
• Write 10 things I like about myself.
• Write 10 things that I do for myself that give me joy? (Not for my kids or husband, just for me).
• When do I feel the most beautiful? How often am I in this situation?
• What would make me feel physically beautiful or flawless?A haircut? Manicure? New perfume? Lipstick? Earrings? All of these?

As I  started journaling and taking the time for myself, I started to learn more about what makes me happy now. The things that give me joy evolves as I age, and I need to keep a pulse on how I am changing and what makes me feel good. Going to the bar and dancing may have been it for me 10 years ago, but that has changed. I don’t really like to do that anymore, but what do I like?

I have not totally figured that out, but I have started to become more aware of how I feel when I’m doing certain things. When I wake up early on a Saturday to write, I am a happier mom and wife to the rest of my family. When I commit to going to the yoga class that I have been putting off for weeks, I leave there feeling energized. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is ok to do things for myself.

I’m Really Trying To Do this, but it is Tough. I Haven’t Been Very Successful.

Don’t cheap out on myself.

Don’t skip out on giving myself the things that make me happy.

Start my day off on the right foot.

Treat myself like I would treat a guest.

Take the extra time to make a special latte in the morning or put on a cute outfit just to go to the grocery store.

Finally, I NEED to take MY dreams seriously. Do one thing a day toward MY dream. Write down all of MY goals and start working toward them. It really boils down to how bad I want something. I have to make myself a priority. It might take making a few sacrifices in other ways, but I know I will be happier in the long run.